How to Stop Arguing with Your Girlfriend
Arguing with your girlfriend is inevitable for men in relationships. They’re part and parcel of life. Some degree of conflict is, in fact, healthy. And to be honest, the only way to stop arguments altogether is to stop communicating with your girlfriend. That, of course, isn’t practical and is downright unhealthy.
But you need to worry if you’re arguing with your girlfriend all the time. Or, you find that the simplest of disagreements result in hostile silence, or even worse, a screaming match.
It certainly isn’t wise to let bitterness prevail. Learning ways to manage disagreements positively is vital in a relationship. While arguments are unavoidable, you can deal with them more constructively. Discussed below are some useful tips on how you can stop arguing with your girlfriend.
Stay Cool And Apply Critical Thought
The first step in an argument is to recognize you are entering that state of communication. Sometimes, a conflict evolves very quickly, and the mood changes fast. And before you know it, you are in the midst of some complex communication with your partner. Once you recognize that you are entering an argument or disagreement, it’s time to pull out your critical thinking skills and apply them to the situation. And your journal documenting all these interactions will be an invaluable tool.
Slow things down and assess: Is it a fight at all, or are you calling it a fight and then making it a fight?
Sometimes, a dramatic shift in mood Catches Us off-guard, and we start to push back. Men perceive moods, and then the mood shifts often in a very negative context. For example, my 2-bucket system for male emotions separates our emotions into two general categories: the good and the bad. But women and most mental health professionals would consider this a ridiculous concept.
In my life I have concluded that some emotional states are pleasurable while others are not. Sometimes I am in arguments wondering what we were even arguing about. I have come to believe that perhaps they were not arguments at all, and this was unhelpful for me to conclude that it was an argument.
Sometimes, women want to express all that they are feeling and thinking and simply need to release pressure. The wisest course for a man at such times is to be quiet and patient. Listen and do your best to understand.
Why Do I Keep Arguing With My Girlfriend?
Men are often very linear thinkers eager to solve problems and move on. We approach a conflict as a problem to be solved, running it through our process of fixing things, and we set a goal. We then make a plan with to-do’s and get to work solving the problem. Since men perceive arguments as bad, we are simply looking to correct the problem and get it over with as quickly as possible.
Women have a different system (allowing them to bend space and connect thoughts in ways we don’t comprehend). Women often are not trying to solve a problem. They may not even consider it a problem. In fact, it is the process itself that is the point.
Some women see these complex interactions as productive.
It’s like the way damaging your muscles in a gym workout actually makes them bigger and stronger. Expressing yourself and hashing things out makes relationships stronger.
So, it’s possible that when they’re digging into moods and feelings, they are, in fact, exercising the relationship in a way that feels productive to them. I’m sure this is not the case all of the time. But I believe this does happen. In those cases where you don’t know what you’re arguing about, consider this as an option.
Stop Arguing And Fighting: Watch Your Language Because Language Matters
The mistake I have made countless times is concluding that an interaction was an argument or a fight. In doing so, I framed the entire encounter in a very negative way. Having the right mindset in any effort or endeavor has a huge impact on the outcome. Labeling it in a very negative way is likely to ensure a very negative encounter.
Perhaps, you should see these discussions as opportunities to improve the relationship as well as practice your skills in relationships and in handling complex communications with this and other future partners.
Perhaps it’s a lively discussion.
Is arguing with your girlfriend healthy?
- Resolving conflict is healthy
- Releasing pressure is healthy
- Saying what’s on your mind is healthy
- Being heard is healthy
- Bad behavior and excessive anger are unhealthy and leave scars.
Learn not to fight or argue with a partner. Turn those high-energy interactions into something productive. Remember, it is during these high-intensity interactions that it’s easy to cause harm. You might easily end up creating a memory that will hurt that relationship forever.
How to Stop Fighting in a Relationship
We have looked at two important attributes: Stay Cool and Watch Your Language. Let’s look at the next three.
Hippocratic Oath: Do No Harm
Doctors take the Hippocratic Oath, which is first Do no harm. Their job is to heal the sick. However, their first priority is to not make anything worse. This is a good rule for complex communications with your partner. Yes, you are looking to address something or decide something. But first, Do no harm.
Assess What Kind of Fight Is It: Is It a Fight At All?
Critical thinking is such a valuable skill to develop. No more so than when trying to resolve some conflict with a partner. The stronger this skill, the better off you are. So, make a conscious effort to develop your critical thinking skills. You will benefit greatly here.
Assessing a situation in real time is very demanding, and most people are terrible at it. Try to be the Observer as well as a Participant as you engage in the conversation. Ask yourself first: What is this about that we are trying to accomplish?
Next, consider the following:
- Are you making a decision
- Changing a behavior
- Simply expressing frustration
- Should I wear my problem-solving hat or listening hat for this?
Be curious
Speak less and Listen more are the essential skills of curiosity. Being curious is important in de-escalating a conflict. And the best way to be curious is to ask questions. So that brings us to the Socratic Method.
Socratic Method: Ask questions
The Greek philosopher Socrates was not known for sharing great wisdom. He was known for asking great questions—a process that allowed others to look at their own questions and problems differently and come to wiser conclusions. The more you understand about your partner and your own frame of mind—objectives, interests, and priorities—the better off you are at having meaningful discussions. Create a healthy, curious mindset rather than an anxious, frustrated defensive mindset and dive into the conversation.
Learn How to Argue/Fight with Your Partner
The ability to communicate under stress and in times of conflict is an invaluable skill. Most people are so completely unskilled in this or unable to rise above the emotional stress of the circumstances that they typically make matters worse.
Recognize what a great opportunity you have with your girlfriend:
- Slow down and watch what happens. Learn from this.
- Learn how to not get sucked into her emotional state.
- Be an observer of the two of you.
Watch how she expresses herself
Men would do well to watch how the women in their lives communicate. Do not assume they communicate in the way that you do. Men typically like it best when a woman is being sweet and loving and says nice things to or about him. But all of the stress and intensity of day-to-day life can be intimidating and even frightening. Men need to learn how to deal with this, as women are entitled to be able to express themselves and be heard by their significant others.
Have you ever asked a woman, “Why are you so angry?” only to have her reply, “I’m not angry,” in an incredibly angry tone. Stay curious, my friends. Perhaps you have quite a lot to learn, and In This Moment, you have an opportunity to learn something invaluable.
Learn to maintain your frame of mind. Men often become completely stressed when presented with this whirling dervish who seems to be flying off the handle, causing men to fly off the handle. And join them in this tornado of thoughts and feelings. Don’t do it. You don’t need to ride the roller coaster. It’s okay to sit and watch.
In Summary
Learn to slow down and start seeing things from your girlfriend’s perspective. It’s as simple as that. It’s so much easier to stop arguing with your girlfriend if you make a conscious effort to de-escalate a conflict.
